Gone

Cold wind races by me, nearly knocking me over and putting out my cigarette in its path. I reach for my lighter and accidentally skim the edge of my razor. I throw my cigarette onto the frozen ground and look up. I didn't plan on coming here, yet somehow this is where I always end up. The broken down tree house lies in front of me creaking in the wind, its faded green flag torn, its three stories empty. My breathing gets heavier as I stand here, staring. The snow slowly sinks under the weight of my firmly planted feet as I listen to the squirrels running on the branches above me. A few flakes of snow sprinkle down on my thick coat of dark black mascara. Hot tears crawl down my face as I fight the urge to grab the razor. My hand slips into my back pocket and I feel my fist clench around its sharp edges almost uncontrollably. I lift my left arm, wrist facing the grey sky, and remember the reason behind every scar that covers my entire arm. I've waited so long that I feel my hand start to tremble as if the weight of the razor is too much. The clean, sharp edge is cold as it presses against my warm skin. Pressing harder, I can feel my pulse start to race as the coldness of the razor is overtaken by the heat of the deep red blood that bubbles to the surface. Little globes of blood start to drip down my arm and fall like steaming rain.

One drop.
Two drops.
Three, four, five, hit the powdery snow and stain it- a harsh dye against an innocent material.
I continue to press in as my thoughts race and remind me to go deeper. My body starts to tingle as if I had just fed an addiction. The release is euphoric, I tilt my head back, close my eyes, and get absorbed into an alternate dimension. Wind smacks against my bare face, my eyes shoot open, and I'm alive again. My arm goes numb and I stare in a trance at the stream of blood flowing down my arm and collecting in a small, red pool beneath me. My mind goes blank and the deafening silence that hangs in the air becomes strangely apparent. Suddenly, I'm confused as my body turns numb and weightless. My sight blacks out but my mind remains awake. I grab my arm to feel how deep the cut is. The vertical slit stretches all the way up my forearm and is deeper than I've ever ventured before. As I feel myself slip from reality, I can't help but smile that it might actually work this time. At least two minutes pass before I realize that I've been sinking into a freezing bed of snow. I start to lose track of time, it's only been a few minutes but it feels as though I made the cut hours ago. Blood rushes through my body and my paralysis gives me an alarming high. My thoughts start to fade, my body now non-existent.
Even if someone were to find me, it's too late.
I am gone.





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